Disclaimer

This Legal Disclaimer is really for use in relation to printed media, not Websites,  and I first used it in one of the editions of the fairly short-lived "Private Choir" magazine for Glasgow Chamber Choir.  It wasn't that funny then either!  I can't remember where I got it from originally, but it was amended by me a bit.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER:
PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING

The Cathedral Choir is committed to avoiding litigation in all areas other than defamation. With the recent explosion of negligence claims in the court, we have received legal advice to include a more specific warning with The Cathedral Choir for protection against liability for risks that plaintiff lawyers might say we should have foreseen.  Before proceeding further, all readers are asked to carefully read the following warning, which lists some of the risks that may be associated with reading The Cathedral Choir. 

Pre-warning warning: The following warning may take some time to review. The Cathedral Choir recommends that before starting you sit down, very carefully, in a comfortable and safe environment. Maintain good posture at all times while reading, and take regular breaks for food and exercise as required or as directed by your doctor. While every effort has been made to be comprehensive, there may be some eventualities which are not specifically referred to below. Readers are invited to submit any risks which are not listed below to the Webmaster. 

Warning: Printed copies of The Cathedral Choir may cause paper cuts. Readers are advised to take care when turning each page and in particular to avoid aggressive rubbing of the edges of sheets of The Cathedral Choir against the skin of yourself, any other person or living thing. In order to reduce the risk of paper cuts, you might consider not turning to pages 5, 11, 17 and 20 which - be warned - are generally of lower standard and have been known to induce pain in some cases.

Please avoid mixing The Cathedral Choir with water and glue, which could result in the inadvertent creation of a papier maché formula that could set, especially if exposed to the sun, which is not recommended, and may cause some readers to be caught in a papier maché death trap.

To avoid any damage to the eyes when reading The Cathedral Choir, make sure that the place you are reading in is well lit. If the light is inadequate, do not use matches or any other form of naked flame to increase visibility. It is also not impossible that some form of aggressive insect or other dangerous projectile could come into contact with your eyes while reading The Cathedral Choir. Goggles or other forms of protective eyewear are therefore recommended, provided they are made from shatter-proof glass and comply with British Standard BS5255, all international treaties that are or may become binding on the United Kingdom and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Readers should consider the political environment before obtaining or reading The Cathedral Choir. Use of The Cathedral Choir is not recommended in places ruled by foreign regimes that restrict freedom of speech, or in Lanarkshire.

If reading The Cathedral Choir at the beach, avoid consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and swimming, whether between the flags or otherwise, in areas which may result in spinal injury.

Do not read The Cathedral Choir while driving. Do not read The Cathedral Choir in a car which has all doors and windows closed and is exposed to direct sunlight or other heat. If leaving an infant unattended in a locked car, do not leave The Cathedral Choir with the child or anywhere in the car.

Do not commit suicide while reading The Cathedral Choir. 

If any part of The Cathedral Choir causes disagreement between you and any other person, the Webmaster recommends that disputes be resolved without recourse to violence. If a dispute concerning a The Cathedral Choir article cannot be resolved without physical aggression, combatants are advised to fight only at locations that have valid and paid-up public liability insurance and/or in playgrounds administered by the Department of Education or other public body. Fights should be conducted in the presence of a qualified referee and with medical help readily available. No biting, scratching, blows below the belt or nipple cripples. 

In the unlikely event that you are caused to laugh while reading The Cathedral Choir, even if it is because of something unconnected with the content, readers are advised to laugh in moderation. Laughing persons should take special care to ensure that their sides remain intact and should seek urgent medical attention if any signs of splitting develop. Do not read The Cathedral Choir if either you or a relative has previously died from laughing.

The Cathedral Choir is not suitable for human consumption and it should not be eaten or used to wrap foodstuffs. The publishers of The Cathedral Choir strongly recommend against using The Cathedral Choir to wrap any food, including fish-and-chips. If swallowed, sit the victim in a cool place out of the direct sun, and monitor. Induce vomiting if and only if under proper medical supervision and you feel it would be mildly amusing to you to watch the victim vomit.

The Cathedral Choir is flammable. Do not set fire to your copy of The Cathedral Choir, whether with a match, cigarette lighter, soaking it in petrol, rubbing two or more sticks together, shining a magnifying glass on a particular little spot or by storing your copy of The Cathedral Choir in the nuclear furnace that is the heart of the Sun. 

If you choose to smoke while reading your copy of The Cathedral Choir, the Webmaster accepts no responsibility for any loss or damage arising to you in exercising that choice. 

Never attempt to use The Cathedral Choir to extinguish a fire. If your copy of The Cathedral Choir catches fire, please return it by placing the flaming copy, together with a stamped self-addressed envelope, in an asbestos container and return it to the address shown.

The Cathedral Choir is not a flotation device. Should your copy of The Cathedral Choir become wet, it may become soggy and unsuitable for using when all your Hello!'s have run out.

Using The Cathedral Choir in place of your regular toilet tissue is not sanctioned by the Webmaster of The Cathedral Choir. Such use can result in nicks and cuts in awkward, hard-to-reach places and cause irritation, grumpiness and, in the event of becoming distracted by a news-story during such use, unexpected or unwanted faecal smearing.

Special care should be taken when reading The Cathedral Choir in circumstances where young children could be exposed to humourous or satirical content. The Cathedral Choir is not responsible for any damage that may occur to children or children’s behaviour patterns as a result of poorly supervised access to The Cathedral Choir up to and including: Believing that it is funny to send rude letters to prominent people you don’t know; using the word “fuck” in any print medium where the term “f---” would be a perfectly accepted and  approved substitute; using unacceptable or un-Parliamentary language such as “piss-flaps”, “poo-hole”, “spadger” or “Satan's little battery”.

The humourous material contained within The Cathedral Choir is prepared by experts and placed in a particular context to render it safe for domestic use. Removing particular jokes and attempting to use them in any other format, whether by repeating them to another person or using them in another publication may cause embarrassment, social awkwardness, long, difficult-to-manage pauses and the perception amongst others that (i) you are a bit of an over-educated leftie tosser or (ii) you are getting all your good gags from people who, let’s face it, are funnier than you.

Do not use The Cathedral Choir internally. Specifically, readers are warned that they should not roll up The Cathedral Choir, lube it, and perform the ritual known colloquially as “the Paddy McGuinness” on themselves or any other person (Oh, alright then, but for goodness sakes, don’t tell anyone.)

Do not use The Cathedral Choir for birth control. We will not take responsibility for anything which may occur as a result of attempting to use The Cathedral Choir for birth control including; children, awkward moment during sexual contact or inability to read The Cathedral Choir  articles due to jizz stains.

The Cathedral Choir is not designed to be used as a parachute. Any similarity between the design of The Cathedral Choir and a parachute is merely coincidental. We will not be held responsible for any plummeting into the earth which occurs whilst holding The Cathedral Choir above your head and jumping from a plane.

We will not be held responsible for the death or sickness of any vagrants, bums, derelicts, tramps, beggars, drifters, beatniks, hobos, Big Issue sellers or unemployed neds who use The Cathedral Choir as a blanket, home, shelter, refuge, haven or source of satire.

The Cathedral Choir should not be used as a substitute for education, even for those attending public, second rate Catholic or Seventh Day Adventist schools. Reading The Cathedral Choir does not eliminate the need for proper education and may actually increase this need. Failure to complete homework due to the reading of The Cathedral Choir is not our fault. Any lack of reading or writing ability which occurs later in life is the fault of the reader. The Department of Education in your county should be sued for this fault and not the proprietors of The Cathedral Choir nor those who shield The Cathedral Choir proprietors’ assets.

The Cathedral Choir should not be used for deep sea rescue. Nor should it be read to airline passengers in place of warnings regarding the fastening and releasing of seatbelts.

Avoid any persons who claim that The Cathedral Choir can be made into a trampoline. If made into a trampoline we will not take any responsibility.

The Cathedral Choir should not be read while tipping a fridge on yourself. (See fridge for more specific warning pertaining to this cause of litigation).

If reading The Cathedral Choir in the United States of America, you must wear a helmet which meets the latest standards set by the National Operating Committee on Standards for Athletic Equipment. We will not be held responsible for any injury sustained as a result of faults in the helmet or which may occur due to being tackled because of your wearing of the helmet.

Avant-garde fashion designers should not use The Cathedral Choir in the design of their clothes. We will not be held responsible for any loss of earnings or reputation which result from the inability of your audience to understand that your use of our scabby Website was meant to be a post-modern ironic statement.

Do not shred The Cathedral Choir and use it as confetti. The Cathedral Choir will not be held responsible for any kitschness which may occur at weddings or other ceremonies which utilize The Cathedral Choir as confetti. 

We make no guarantees as to the longevity of any marital unions formed whilst using The Cathedral Choir in any part of the ceremony whether as decorations or in place of a purpose built drop-sheet or bin-liner.

The Cathedral Choir warns against the reading of large tracts of small text. We will not be held responsible for poor eyesight or disappointment in the search for humour that you may sustain from reading such large tracts of text.

The meerkats have failed me

Being a member of the Institute of Advanced Motorists I have been using their "in-house" broker for both my car and motorcycle insurance, and my renewal for the car this year is quoted as just short of £220 which when I received it recently seemed fine and I thought then I'd probably go for it, but I'd be stupid to just do that without at least conducting a cursory search of online deals.

On UK television these days is a fairly irritating series of insurance adverts featuring puppet meerkats (it's a play on "compare the market / compare the meerkat") so I thought I'd use that particular comparison website to see what they come up with, bearing in mind any quote would have to be better than the sum of the £220 quote plus the £30 it costs me for continuing IAM membership, so £250 is the target although in fact it'd have to be a lot less than that, not just a couple of pounds, to make me want to go through all the hoops of providing proof of No Claims Discount to a new provider.

So entering all the details exactly as they are on my renewal notice what were the options available to me?

I was fairly unsurprised to see that renewing with my current insurer will be the best option, with the cheapest online quote being about £290, but the surprising thing was when out of interest I scrolled to the bottom of the list to see a quote for an eye watering £1900 offered by some shysters called Quinn Direct!  How on earth do they expect to get any business when they are quoting someone with 8 years no claims, advanced driving & motorcycling qualifications and 30 years driving experience eight times what he's already paying!  Who are their target customers, stupid rich people?  It does seem to include breakdown coverage, but you can get that elsewhere for £50.  Twats!

So at some point in the next few days I'll call IAM Surety in Belfast, and give them my business again.

Wordle

I'm obliged to Kelvin for reminding me about Wordle, which generates word clouds for various things, with the size of a word reflecting the number of times it's used.

The Wordle below was generated from my posts here between Halloween last year and today, or perhaps more accurately was generated from whatever was in my RSS feed today, I'm not sure how that all works!

Draw your own conclusions about my mind from what you can see.

Blipfoto

I was recommended a new Website by a work colleague this afternoon.  Well I say a new site, but it's only new to me, it's been going for a while.

It's BlipFoto, and it's a very clean-looking uncluttered site where you upload a single photo each day which is added to your photojournal, and there's a calendar and, ooohhhh, it's just fun!  Go look, and join, and post.  I have.

War Stories Part IX - What's the cubic capacity?

Continuing the sagas and stories of my working life, up to now anyway. If you want to read the preamble, click here to go to the first posting in the series, which contains a short version of my CV.

Early in my career in a major Plumbers Merchant, but before the company had been taken over and became part of a major chain, I worked in a branch in Hamilton which had a window display of showers, both electric and mixers. One day when I was working on the Trade Counter a little old Italian man came in looking to buy a new electric shower. I say little and I use the term advisedly. He was about five feet tall and five feet wide.

I took him into the window to show him what we could offer and use my newly acquired selling techniques to make sure we got the sale. The showers were non-working displays and had been basically nailed to the wall at random heights. I showed him the first one, describing in detail the power rating, water flow rate, and all the lovely features. He listened intently, then lifted the shower head off its holder and brought it down as far as the length of the hose would allow, then said "No, s'no good" (you have to imagine the Italian accent).

We moved on to the next one, and I launched into full flow, detailing all the benefits it could offer at a most reasonable price. Again he lifted the shower head down and looked as though he was trying to get it to stretch all the way to the floor, then he said "No, s'no good".

We moved to the third option and repeated the scenario, only this time, after telling me again it was no good, he leaned close to me, lowered his voice, and explained conspiratorially in his thick Italian accent


"it's for my wife, she like to spray it up her fanny!".

I'd love to claim that I had the presence of mind to enquire further about the fanny in question and ask the question which heads this story in order that I could furnish him with something with a suitable flow rate, but I was so taken aback (I was innocent in them days) that I let him leave without closing the sale. 

I don't know if his wife ever managed to partake in that simple pleasure with a new shower from somewhere else.


And no, I didn't think fast enough to suggest a longer hose.

Oh, and for our friends from beyond the pond, whereas in your country a fanny is the bit at the back, in ours it is a different bit, which is at the front, and only ladies have them, if you get my drift!

RSCM Scottish Voices

A new Blog's been created for RSCM Scottish Voices.  The plan's to use it as an extra way of communicating within the choir (although clearly it will never replace email as the primary method) and also to publicise what's happening regarding our meetings and performances of services in various churches and cathedrals in Scotland.

I've included a link to the new Blog in the sidebar on the left so you should be able to see updates when they are posted.

OK, I'll reveal a wee secret here.  I've already registered a Domain name for RSCM Scottish Voices, but it's been such a long time since I first uploaded my own Websites that I've forgotten how to alter the settings so that whichever one I update (I use Microsoft FrontPage) the updates are applied to the correct site, so although the site's actually created it will continue to live solely on my laptop for the moment, not on t'InterWeb. 

So in the meantime, the Blog!

War Stories Part VIII - The police negotiator

Continuing the sagas and stories of my working life, up to now anyway. If you want to read the preamble, click here to go to the first posting in the series, which contains a short version of my CV.

The (almost certainly apocryphal) story goes that a number of years ago on a Saturday afternoon in Glasgow City Centre there was a report of a housebreaking in progress (i.e. the offender was still on the premises) in the upper floors of a shop in Buchanan Street (right in the busiest shopping part of Glasgow). Several officers were dispatched to try to catch the suspect who had by now quit via an upper window onto some scaffolding and had climbed up onto the roof of the building, from which there was no escape although there was no way police officers would go onto the roof to try to arrest him as it was considered too dangerous.


As the suspect peered over the edge at the growing crowd who had gathered to see what the police were doing, and the police and public stared back up at the roof, one of the officers, who I'll call Roo, decided that if a prolonged stand-off was to be avoided someone should take swift decisive action, so he went to the police van and retrieved a megaphone.

Making his way back through the crowd of shoppers Roo put the megaphone to his lips and addressed the guy on the roof (and thousands of innocent bystanders) with the immortal line, 

"It's the polis, if you give up and come down right now we'll no kick yer cunt in!"

War Stories Part VII - Waldo's demise

Continuing the sagas and stories of my working life, up to now anyway. If you want to read the preamble, click here to go to the first posting in the series, which contains a short version of my CV.

No, not that sort of demise, as far as I know he's still alive somewhere.

Waldo's girlfriend has been described by those who have met her as more of a man than most men, and he lived with her in her council house. One night, after a day when they had both been drinking heavily, they had one of their customary stand-up fights and were each giving as good as they got, but this time his girlfriend (or "The Burd" as he always called her) decided, not for the first time, that enough was enough and wanted him put out of her house so as usual she called the local police to assist. This time though, while relaying to them her side of the story of how he had beaten her up (leaving out of course the bit where she did likewise to him just as effectively), she added for good measure "and when you come round here there's a cupboard full of stuff he stole from his work".

When the officers arrived to eject him from the premises they asked to see this cupboard, and lo and behold, it was indeed full of stuff he had stolen from his work! So, the branch manager received a call from the police asking if he had anything missing and Waldo duly received what he deserved! I believe he later got back together with "The Burd" but whether they remain as a couple I thankfully have no idea.

War Stories Part VI - Waldo and the beery breath

Continuing the sagas and stories of my working life, up to now anyway. If you want to read the preamble, click here to go to the first posting in the series, which contains a short version of my CV.

I used to live some 20 miles from work, and had to get the 0659hrs train which arrived at the other end at 0730hrs followed by a half hour walk to work for an 8am start. Sometimes my colleagues who had cars would spot me walking and stop and give me a lift the last bit of the route and occasionally it was Waldo (see previous War Story posts) who did so, in his old scabby Vauxhall Chevette which had been "customised" with various crap-looking stick-on plastic bits on the outside, and the whole of the inside - floor, roof, dashboard, steering wheel, seats - was covered in dark blue fur (no, really!).

Well I say fur, but in reality it was exceptionally filthy, stinking, mangy cheap nylon which would have made your hair stand up with the static were it not for the insulating properties of the greasy dirt which coated it!

Now Waldo often arrived for work still smelling of beer, and I think he was proud of this because it showed that he was a hardened drinker. A real man. The first time he stopped to pick me up though I discovered his secret, because he had an opened can of cheap lager sitting between his legs as he drove, and he took several little sips from it en-route to work.

So the smell of beer coming from him wasn't from a mammoth session the night before, it was from the small amount he'd consumed just before arriving at work!

War Stories Part V - Waldo and the diesel tank

Continuing the sagas and stories of my working life, up to now anyway. If you want to read the preamble, click here to go to the first posting in the series, which contains a short version of my CV.

At the branch of the Plumbers Merchant in which I worked with Waldo (see the previous War Story), for fuelling our delivery vehicle we had our own tank of diesel which was similar to the one in the photo below except it was rectangular, but importantly like the photo it had a wall round the base which formed a sump which accumulated a mixture of rainwater and spilt diesel.

In the winter one year the pipes leading from the tank froze so Springer, the warehouse supervisor, gave Waldo specific instructions to take a blowtorch from stock; play it gently over the frozen pipes to melt the blockage; then finally take some 4" hair felt from stock and lag the pipes with it to prevent future freezing. All pretty straightforward one would think.

Not for Waldo though.

He did as instructed and took a blowtorch from stock and melted the frozen stuff in the pipes, then he took the felt and lagged the pipes, but that's where logic flees because his next action was to get a polystyrene cup from the coffee machine and scoop up some of the mixture of watery diesel from the sump and pour it over the felt lagging, then get the blowtorch again and point it at the by now exceptionally combustible felt.

Can you guess what happened?

Yep, a sheet of flame shot up the side of the building so Waldo didn't hesitate, he ran like fuck all the way down the warehouse and crashed through the door into the office where Springer, the warehouse supervisor who had given him his task, was processing a cash sale through the till.

Waldo screeched to a halt in a cartoon-character fashion as Springer looked up at this sudden violent entry to the normally quiet office, and quickly asked "what's wrong?" to which Waldo, pointing to the till and indicating the fact that Springer was halfway through the process of counting out change, replied "it's OK, I'll wait till you finish that".

Springer duly finished his counting 30 seconds later and said "well, what's up?" to which Waldo screamed "THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE! ".

By the time the Fire Brigade arrived the flames had melted the top half of part of the warehouse external wall (bottom half plain brick, top half clad in a plastic substance from about 10 feet off the ground). The photo on the right was taken only a year or so ago. The diesel tank is long gone, but used to be against the wall just beyond the further away of the two roller shutter doors.

A long time after the event I asked Waldo what had gone through his mind to lead him to do what he did, but he just shrugged and said "Dunno"!

War Stories Part IV - Waldo and the insulation

Continuing the sagas and stories of my working life, up to now anyway. If you want to read the preamble, click here to go to the first posting in the series, which contains a short version of my CV.

I worked for a year or so in a particular branch of a Plumbers Merchant with various "characters" chief amongst whom was probably the guy I'll call "Waldo". He was a very strange boy, and one of my favourite stories of him concerns what he did with a delivery of loft insulation. You may be familiar with this stuff and it comes packaged in large rolls which when stood on end are about 5 feet tall and 3 feet in diameter.

The way this warehouse worked was that this item was stored on a mezzanine floor, so we unloaded the 100+ rolls out the back of the delivery lorry straight onto the warehouse floor, then signed the driver's paperwork to let him away, giving us as much time as we wanted to transfer the packs up onto the mezzanine, the floor of which was maybe 10 feet above the warehouse floor.

Anyway, the rolls were now lying about 3 or 4 deep on the floor, all aligned with each other a bit like the two rolls in the photo above right (think of a stack of lots of tubes of Polo Mints or Smarties or pencils lying aligned in the same direction). Waldo and I were on the Mezzanine as other staff were down on the floor throwing them up to us one at a time when Waldo announced loudly "watch this!" and proceeded to stand on the edge of the loading dock poised as if he was on a diving board, then before anyone could stop him he launched himself out in a beautiful somersault onto the comfy padded rolls below, which instantly parted because he was in the same alignment as the rolls, and he went down through them all and hit the concrete floor of the warehouse with a sickening thud.

Fortunately for him a combination of the rolls slowing his descent a bit, and his head being exceptionally thick, he wasn't badly injured.

There was an advert on the TV in the UK a while ago for, I think, Kleenex Velvet toilet roll where it's portrayed as so comfy and padded that the workers in the factory use piles of it to jump down onto instead of using stairs, and I always think of Waldo when I see it!

War Stories Part III - The Prisoner Escort

Continuing the sagas and stories of my working life, up to now anyway. If you want to read the preamble, click here to go to the first posting in the series, which contains a short version of my CV.

In July there is a traditional two week holiday in the west of Scotland called "The Glasgow Fair" when lots of people head off to various holiday destinations, including Blackpool.

One such Glasgow worthy did just that one year but sadly managed to quickly bring himself to the attention of the Blackpool Police for some misdemeanour at which point the Police National Computer revealed that a Warrant was in existence for this fine chap since for some reason Glasgow Sheriff Court wanted to have a word! Lancashire Constabulary duly contacted the police office in which I worked at the time, where the warrant was held, to ask if we still wanted him. Which we did.

As is the norm, it was arranged that two nightshift cops would take an unmarked car down the 195 miles south to Blackpool, and my shift was working nightshift so the two cops chosen were Tam and Mackem. They decided to share the driving and Mackem (who is a good guy but was not always known for his even temperament) was behind the wheel when they set off southbound. They arrived in Blackpool at about 2am and established that the prisoner was completely compliant and wouldn't cause them any problems so loaded him handcuffed into the back seat of the car and set off again, this time with Tam driving.

First though, Tam assured Mackem that he knew the route back north to the office, so Mackem settled into the front passenger seat and instantly fell asleep.

Tam directed the car along the M55 due East for about a dozen miles to its junction with the M6, whereupon he turned right (think about it!). About an hour later Mackem woke up and was idly gazing out the window and wondering how far north they'd reached when he saw the sign saying "Birmingham 20 miles" whereupon he shouted to Tam

"What the fuck are you doing, we're heading in the wrong direction!" to which Tam replied

"It's OK big man, I know a shortcut!".

The car was then stopped on the hard shoulder and apparently the prisoner had to physically separate the two cops to stop Mackem killing Tam!

War Stories Part II - Tam and the personnel carrier

Continuing the sagas and stories of my working life, up to now anyway. If you want to read the preamble, click here to go to the first posting in the series, which contains a short version of my CV.

Police Officers sometimes travel around in minibuses, usually referred to as Personnel Carriers. One afternoon the driver of one such vehicle, lets call him "the Captain", was in the vehicle with, amongst others, a fairly young cop who I'll call "Tam".

Now I don't know whether you've ever driven a minibus, but sometimes they're a fair length and in order to get it out of the parking space they were in at the side of the road (having completed the enquiry they were on) the Captain called out to the person sitting right at the back of the vehicle, who happened to be Tam, asking "how much room have I got between us and the Cavalier behind?" at which Tam looked out the back window and replied "about 15 feet".

The Captain duly put the vehicle into reverse and swiftly moved back all of 2 feet before the minibus stopped with a big crunch.

He shouted to Tam

"For fuck's sake, I thought you said there was 15 feet between us and the Cavalier!"

to which the reply was

"Aye there is, but there's an Escort parked between us and the Cavalier!"

Buffalo Theory

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm.

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers...."

You know it makes sense!

Wordle

This is quite a clever image, isn't it. It's from a site called Wordle, and it looks at a Website, in this case this here Blog, and makes up a word picture, giving extra weight, visualised as larger font size, the more a word appears.

It presumably only looks at what's specifically on the page relating to the URL you submit, so it doesn't take into account archived postings. Recently then, the IAM has clearly been a favoured topic of mine, as has Insurance! I must try to widen the topics somewhat!

Surprisingly, my cursory examination of it hasn't revealed any swear words. I must try harder!

Happy birthday to Layclerk

Today it has been two whole years since I started Blogging! Count them. Two.

I started Blogging because what was happening in my life at that time was preventing me from regularly updating my Website and I felt I needed some outlet for (alleged) creativity. I've enjoyed Blogging, but I wish I could get back into doing it every day or every other day. Life gets in the way sometimes though although I suppose that's good because you need to do things and have experiences before you can Blog about them!

Life is good just now, and I am a happy bunny.

Feedjit

Since adding the Feedjit widgit on the left showing where visitors are from, and how they got to the site and left again, I keep returning to look at my own Blog to see who's there! How strange.

I've also noticed a few people finding the Blog through a link posted on www.smartdriving.co.uk which is a site aimed at driving instructors. I registered with them (free trial) to see in what context my Blog was linked, and it seems it's actually linked to the new motorcycle test post, which makes sense I suppose. So I tried emailing their webmaster to thank him for linking to this Blog and out of interest to find out how he came across it in the first place, but the email bounced back as undeliverable, despite it being sent via a link on his site. Oh well. So John, if you happen to read this, then thanks for the link, and I hope you enjoy reading other stuff here too.

An important part of the email that didn't get through said:

Thanks for linking from your Website to my Blog at www.thecathedralchoir.blogspot.com and specifically to the posting on the new motorcycle test. I should stress that I don’t claim authorship of that piece, which was passed to me by a work colleague via email, and I don’t know who actually wrote it, as I think I mentioned in a reply to a comment on the post.

Catch up

I've again fallen behind on Blogging, despite my best intentions and aims. Oh well. Maybe time for a catch up post then.

I've now had two Wednesdays of being talked to by an IAM senior observer about how to go about observing another motorcyclist and offering them advice on how to improve their riding skills towards passing the IAM advanced test. Then I've had one week where, accompanied by a senior observer, I was let loose with an associate who had no idea it was my first time (and I think I got away with it!).

Initially a bit worried about whether I would be able to spot things to talk about and verbalise what I saw in such a way that it would be constructive, I managed to cover all the pre ride points: introducing myself; checking out the condition of the bike and suitability of the rider's clothing; finding out what experience the rider had both in terms of overall riding and specifically how often he'd been to IAM evenings; ascertaining what things he felt he needed to work on; looking at his progress sheet to see how previous observers had seen him; explaining where we were going, the route we were going to take, and the practicalities of how I was going to follow him; and the very important disclaimer that is a version of

"at all times when we are on the road you are responsible for the control of your own motorcycle and responsible for your own conduct, and you should ride at all times safely and in accordance with the law. If by interpreting my words, actions or signals you believe that I'm asking you to do anything with which you're not happy, then don't do it."

In other words, if it all goes horribly wrong, it isn't the responsibility of the IAM or more importantly of me personally!

So having looked at his bike, a nice looking Honda CBR600 sports bike which I believe does about 160mph (about 40mph more than my comfy big BMW R1100RT Tourer) and gets from 0-60mph in about 3.8 seconds (the BMW does it in about 4.5 seconds) and briefly wondered to myself if I was about to embarrass myself by being left trailing behind him, unable to keep up on the twisty country roads (while of course both sticking to the speed limit), we chatted and identified what the things were that he himself felt he had to work on, which was borne out by the markings on his progress sheet by the previous two observers, this being only the rider's third time out with the IAM.

As an aside, the photo was taken at the recent Easter Egg run and shows my hefty BMW coincidentally parked next to a svelte CBR600 in the car park at the SECC as we were gathering for the run.

So we set off, with the rider leading and mostly taking the correct road position, which is towards the right hand side of the lane, and, other traffic permitting, fairly near the centre white line (on a single carriageway road), and me behind him basically riding in the gutter! Yes, the best position for an observer following a rider is over to the nearside of the road, as this gives the best view of what the rider is doing, and doesn't obstruct the rider's rear view, allowing him to ride as he would normally do. It felt a bit strange at first, but not too bad, and I got used to it quickly. The senior observer followed me, watching what I was doing as I watched what the associate was doing.

As a general rule I have no intention of Blogging in any great detail about IAM associates and their riding (whether good or bad) while being observed by me, because I think that would be creeping towards being overly intrusive into their privacy, so I won't detail anything about the ride that followed, apart from mentioning one instance going round a left hand bend on a country road within the national speed limit (60mph) when the rider correctly stayed out to the right hand side of his lane, near the centre white line, giving the best view as far round the corner as possible so as to see hazards early, but he didn't move to the left, to a safer position, when he saw a transit van coming towards us, and I swear there must have been only a few inches between him and the van's mirror as they passed each other at a combined speed of probably 100mph (we were doing about 50mph and so was the van I'd guess). I took a very big sharp intake of breath as I saw the van approach and pass, although due to the tightness of the bend and the hedges on either side obstructing the view it appeared and disappeared again very quickly and it was all over in a flash. The senior observer, who was riding behind me, summed it up later when he simply said "I shit myself when I saw that". The rider himself knew that this had been a narrow escape, and I suspect and hope it was a valuable lesson on the learning curve! Sacrifice positioning for safety every time!

Twisty road wise I needn't have worried about trying to keep up with the sports bike. The BMW is a big heavy tourer designed for long trips in comfort down relatively straight motorways and autobahns, and sports bikes are light and designed to be flicked round corners easily, with massive acceleration. But when you factor in the 60mph speed limit, and the ability of an advanced rider to ride smoothly round bends without having to use the brakes very often, then the playing field was levelled somewhat and I had no problems keeping up and being in more or less the right viewing position for most of the time.

All in all an enjoyable evening, and I didn't have any problems thinking of things to say and suggest.

That was two Wednesdays ago, and the following Saturday, last Saturday in fact, the bike went to a mechanic for its 6000 mile service. Suffice to say that it was never going to go smoothly, and the £80 I was expecting to pay for the oil change etc has become over £400 due to the wee oil leak which I had noticed over the past few months happening very occasionally and usually only first thing on cold mornings and only a few drips lasting a minute before stopping. This is the fault of the oil cooler, apparently. The BMW is an oil cooled machine, and the little radiator type thing in the front is where the oil from the engine goes to be cooled as it circulates.

The recommendation by the mechanic was not to ride the bike until it was fixed, since he has seen the results when the cooler gives out completely (as it could do at any time apparently), dropping all the oil from the bike in one go over the front wheel onto the road just in time for the back wheel to go over it. If that happens at any sort of speed, leaving aside the fact that the engine is likely to seize causing cripplingly expensive damage, then the combination of tyres, road and oil doesn't exactly enhance grip, and you would be likely to fall off very painfully, perhaps even terminally! So I took his advice and the bike has been lying with him for a week.

So a new one of them costs £167, and there are two hoses connecting it to the system, one of which needs replaced, but to be honest what's the point of only replacing one hose when the other might go soon too, it being the same age. About £35 each hose. And the extra labour involved in removing all of the fairing (or Tupperware as I believe it's sometimes jokingly called) and replacing it again. An extra £100 of labour in fact.

I sourced the parts for the bike from Motorworks, although I couldn't find the oil cooler on their excellent website so had to telephone them and Yvonne in sales proved to be very friendly, helpful and knowledgeable, directing me to another website which they use to identify parts because it contains exploded diagrams of bikes. So having ordered the bits on Monday the box arrived at work on Wednesday, and I duly delivered it to the mechanic who will be putting the bike back together again today, I hope! I'm currently waiting on a phone call from him to say it's ready, and then I'll try to arrange a lift the 25 miles to where he has been working on it.


Singing wise, Glasgow Chamber Choir are about to travel to the south of France, to Marseilles, to perform a couple of concerts, one secular and one sacred.

The concerts are on Saturday and Sunday, but a crowd of us are taking full advantage by travelling out on Thursday and staying until Tuesday. Should be fun, and doubtless will generate one or two posts here in due course! The cats are booked into their regular holiday home from home.

Having taken an extended time out of the choir of St Mary's Cathedral (remember, the reason for this Blog's name!) which has lasted about a year so far, I recently sang there again to help out since they were very short of tenors for an Evensong. I enjoyed it greatly, and although I am not in a position to rejoin full time since they rehearse on the same evening as Glasgow Chamber Choir, I will be happy to help out as an occasional singer which seems to suit all round just now.

It seemed strange putting on a cassock after such a long time away, but it now seems inevitable that it was going to happen at some point, although I can now reveal that for almost all of the past year I have had no intentions of ever returning to St Mary's or to church generally, for reasons I won't go into. I also know that there is someone who, if they knew I was again at St Mary's, would be deeply hurt, and I'm truly sorry about that and genuinely hope that person is doing OK and getting on well with life. I'm sorry I don't know for certain that they are doing well, but I tried to keep in touch but was rebuffed, or my calls were ignored anyway. We all have to make decisions in our lives about what to do, and sometimes the right course of action for one person is absolutely the wrong one for another, and sometimes decisions we make for ourselves hurt other people's feelings. I don't mean to hurt anyone, it's not in my nature, but I need to do what's right for me, and not live my life worried about what others may think. Sorry.

Anyway, moving on.

I've been using Facebook for a while now, and although I'm clearly not in their target age range (!) I'm enjoying it and I think it's a good way of keeping in touch with current friends, and making contact with old friends. I've already added two secondary school contemporaries of mine as friends, and it's great to see how people are doing. I don't use my real name on here, and don't tend to use other people's real names either, instead sticking to their initials, but in the unlikely event that you read this Blog and want to become my Facebook friend (and God help you if you do, there must be something missing in your life!) then if you send me your email address and name I'll go searching for you on Facebook with a view to adding you as a friend. I think I can find you as long as I search for the email address you have registered with them.

I've been looking at Blogger and there doesn't seem to be any way to contact me privately via this Blog (although I do receive an email whenever a comment is posted), and I'm not going to publish my email address and neither do I expect anyone to publish their email address and name on a comment for all to see, so the best I can come up with to avoid nasty people obtaining private data, is that if you go to my Website, and to the My Choirs page, there's a link there at the top right hand side to contact me regarding choirs. It goes to a Webmaster email address which I monitor. That is a bit of a roundabout way of doing it, but it's the only way I can think of that avoids publishing email addresses for every bastard spammer in the world to see!

And in case you're wondering, this "be my friend on Facebook" thing is neither a sad plea for friends nor an attempt to harvest email addresses for nefarious purposes, it's just a wee extension of the Blog, sort of, and is aimed at any regular readers. I will not use your email address for anything other than searching for you on Facebook with a view to adding you as a friend. Promise.

Website updated

I've added a new page on my Website, containing motorcycling stuff. So far all it is really is my "CV" of motorcycling and a few photos, but in due course I might develop it further.

I had planned on doing a bit of riding this weekend, but haven't got round to it yet. It's too bloody cold and damp! Maybe I'll get the bus into town and find a pub to spend the afternoon in instead!

Website updates

Another pub (The Bentley Hotel, Motherwell) has been added to my Website, and an existing one (Poacher's Pocket, Whickham) updated.

I've got a list of more pubs which need added, and I'll get to them in due course.

I'm kind of in two or more minds about my Website. Do I keep it as it is with only the occasional update, and maybe in the future I'll get back into it, or should I perhaps move this Blog to it somehow and delete much or all of what's already there?