Wednesday, September 14, 2011


This Legal Disclaimer is really for use in relation to printed media, not Websites,  and I first used it in one of the editions of the fairly short-lived "Private Choir" magazine for Glasgow Chamber Choir.  It wasn't that funny then either!  I can't remember where I got it from originally, but it was amended by me a bit.


The Cathedral Choir is committed to avoiding litigation in all areas other than defamation. With the recent explosion of negligence claims in the court, we have received legal advice to include a more specific warning with The Cathedral Choir for protection against liability for risks that plaintiff lawyers might say we should have foreseen.  Before proceeding further, all readers are asked to carefully read the following warning, which lists some of the risks that may be associated with reading The Cathedral Choir

Pre-warning warning: The following warning may take some time to review. The Cathedral Choir recommends that before starting you sit down, very carefully, in a comfortable and safe environment. Maintain good posture at all times while reading, and take regular breaks for food and exercise as required or as directed by your doctor. While every effort has been made to be comprehensive, there may be some eventualities which are not specifically referred to below. Readers are invited to submit any risks which are not listed below to the Webmaster. 

Warning: Printed copies of The Cathedral Choir may cause paper cuts. Readers are advised to take care when turning each page and in particular to avoid aggressive rubbing of the edges of sheets of The Cathedral Choir against the skin of yourself, any other person or living thing. In order to reduce the risk of paper cuts, you might consider not turning to pages 5, 11, 17 and 20 which - be warned - are generally of lower standard and have been known to induce pain in some cases.

Please avoid mixing The Cathedral Choir with water and glue, which could result in the inadvertent creation of a papier maché formula that could set, especially if exposed to the sun, which is not recommended, and may cause some readers to be caught in a papier maché death trap.

To avoid any damage to the eyes when reading The Cathedral Choir, make sure that the place you are reading in is well lit. If the light is inadequate, do not use matches or any other form of naked flame to increase visibility. It is also not impossible that some form of aggressive insect or other dangerous projectile could come into contact with your eyes while reading The Cathedral Choir. Goggles or other forms of protective eyewear are therefore recommended, provided they are made from shatter-proof glass and comply with British Standard BS5255, all international treaties that are or may become binding on the United Kingdom and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Readers should consider the political environment before obtaining or reading The Cathedral Choir. Use of The Cathedral Choir is not recommended in places ruled by foreign regimes that restrict freedom of speech, or in Lanarkshire.

If reading The Cathedral Choir at the beach, avoid consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and swimming, whether between the flags or otherwise, in areas which may result in spinal injury.

Do not read The Cathedral Choir while driving. Do not read The Cathedral Choir in a car which has all doors and windows closed and is exposed to direct sunlight or other heat. If leaving an infant unattended in a locked car, do not leave The Cathedral Choir with the child or anywhere in the car.

Do not commit suicide while reading The Cathedral Choir

If any part of The Cathedral Choir causes disagreement between you and any other person, the Webmaster recommends that disputes be resolved without recourse to violence. If a dispute concerning a The Cathedral Choir article cannot be resolved without physical aggression, combatants are advised to fight only at locations that have valid and paid-up public liability insurance and/or in playgrounds administered by the Department of Education or other public body. Fights should be conducted in the presence of a qualified referee and with medical help readily available. No biting, scratching, blows below the belt or nipple cripples. 

In the unlikely event that you are caused to laugh while reading The Cathedral Choir, even if it is because of something unconnected with the content, readers are advised to laugh in moderation. Laughing persons should take special care to ensure that their sides remain intact and should seek urgent medical attention if any signs of splitting develop. Do not read The Cathedral Choir if either you or a relative has previously died from laughing.

The Cathedral Choir is not suitable for human consumption and it should not be eaten or used to wrap foodstuffs. The publishers of The Cathedral Choir strongly recommend against using The Cathedral Choir to wrap any food, including fish-and-chips. If swallowed, sit the victim in a cool place out of the direct sun, and monitor. Induce vomiting if and only if under proper medical supervision and you feel it would be mildly amusing to you to watch the victim vomit.

The Cathedral Choir is flammable. Do not set fire to your copy of The Cathedral Choir, whether with a match, cigarette lighter, soaking it in petrol, rubbing two or more sticks together, shining a magnifying glass on a particular little spot or by storing your copy of The Cathedral Choir in the nuclear furnace that is the heart of the Sun. 

If you choose to smoke while reading your copy of The Cathedral Choir, the Webmaster accepts no responsibility for any loss or damage arising to you in exercising that choice. 

Never attempt to use The Cathedral Choir to extinguish a fire. If your copy of The Cathedral Choir catches fire, please return it by placing the flaming copy, together with a stamped self-addressed envelope, in an asbestos container and return it to the address shown.

The Cathedral Choir is not a flotation device. Should your copy of The Cathedral Choir become wet, it may become soggy and unsuitable for using when all your Hello!'s have run out.

Using The Cathedral Choir in place of your regular toilet tissue is not sanctioned by the Webmaster of The Cathedral Choir. Such use can result in nicks and cuts in awkward, hard-to-reach places and cause irritation, grumpiness and, in the event of becoming distracted by a news-story during such use, unexpected or unwanted faecal smearing.

Special care should be taken when reading The Cathedral Choir in circumstances where young children could be exposed to humourous or satirical content. The Cathedral Choir is not responsible for any damage that may occur to children or children’s behaviour patterns as a result of poorly supervised access to The Cathedral Choir up to and including: Believing that it is funny to send rude letters to prominent people you don’t know; using the word “fuck” in any print medium where the term “f---” would be a perfectly accepted and  approved substitute; using unacceptable or un-Parliamentary language such as “piss-flaps”, “poo-hole”, “spadger” or “Satan's little battery”.

The humourous material contained within The Cathedral Choir is prepared by experts and placed in a particular context to render it safe for domestic use. Removing particular jokes and attempting to use them in any other format, whether by repeating them to another person or using them in another publication may cause embarrassment, social awkwardness, long, difficult-to-manage pauses and the perception amongst others that (i) you are a bit of an over-educated leftie tosser or (ii) you are getting all your good gags from people who, let’s face it, are funnier than you.

Do not use The Cathedral Choir internally. Specifically, readers are warned that they should not roll up The Cathedral Choir, lube it, and perform the ritual known colloquially as “the Paddy McGuinness” on themselves or any other person (Oh, alright then, but for goodness sakes, don’t tell anyone.)

Do not use The Cathedral Choir for birth control. We will not take responsibility for anything which may occur as a result of attempting to use The Cathedral Choir for birth control including; children, awkward moment during sexual contact or inability to read The Cathedral Choir  articles due to jizz stains.

The Cathedral Choir is not designed to be used as a parachute. Any similarity between the design of The Cathedral Choir and a parachute is merely coincidental. We will not be held responsible for any plummeting into the earth which occurs whilst holding The Cathedral Choir above your head and jumping from a plane.

We will not be held responsible for the death or sickness of any vagrants, bums, derelicts, tramps, beggars, drifters, beatniks, hobos, Big Issue sellers or unemployed neds who use The Cathedral Choir as a blanket, home, shelter, refuge, haven or source of satire.

The Cathedral Choir should not be used as a substitute for education, even for those attending public, second rate Catholic or Seventh Day Adventist schools. Reading The Cathedral Choir does not eliminate the need for proper education and may actually increase this need. Failure to complete homework due to the reading of The Cathedral Choir is not our fault. Any lack of reading or writing ability which occurs later in life is the fault of the reader. The Department of Education in your county should be sued for this fault and not the proprietors of The Cathedral Choir nor those who shield The Cathedral Choir proprietors’ assets.

The Cathedral Choir should not be used for deep sea rescue. Nor should it be read to airline passengers in place of warnings regarding the fastening and releasing of seatbelts.

Avoid any persons who claim that The Cathedral Choir can be made into a trampoline. If made into a trampoline we will not take any responsibility.

The Cathedral Choir should not be read while tipping a fridge on yourself. (See fridge for more specific warning pertaining to this cause of litigation).

If reading The Cathedral Choir in the United States of America, you must wear a helmet which meets the latest standards set by the National Operating Committee on Standards for Athletic Equipment. We will not be held responsible for any injury sustained as a result of faults in the helmet or which may occur due to being tackled because of your wearing of the helmet.

Avant-garde fashion designers should not use The Cathedral Choir in the design of their clothes. We will not be held responsible for any loss of earnings or reputation which result from the inability of your audience to understand that your use of our scabby Website was meant to be a post-modern ironic statement.

Do not shred The Cathedral Choir and use it as confetti. The Cathedral Choir will not be held responsible for any kitschness which may occur at weddings or other ceremonies which utilize The Cathedral Choir as confetti. 

We make no guarantees as to the longevity of any marital unions formed whilst using The Cathedral Choir in any part of the ceremony whether as decorations or in place of a purpose built drop-sheet or bin-liner.

The Cathedral Choir warns against the reading of large tracts of small text. We will not be held responsible for poor eyesight or disappointment in the search for humour that you may sustain from reading such large tracts of text.

1 comment:

  1. I can see why it was short lived; nothing in the mag could be as amusing as the disclaimer.