Having been back and forward between the new flat and the house, I've noticed something that I'd forgotten about this place. It is very light, bright and airy. In comparison the flat, and it is a nice flat, is a dark gloomy place. Maybe the gloominess is in my mind of course when I subconsciously realise just why I'm having to move there, but I dare say I'll get used to it. It's only a stopgap anyway while I look around for somewhere suitable to buy. I'll miss this house though. At the risk of over-dramatising it, I'm leaving a lot of dreams behind. I'm leaving my marriage behind. I'm crying right now, something I've been doing a fair amount lately. On my own behind closed doors. With only the cats as witnesses. I feel quite lonely right at this minute. It's quite overwhelming. I have taken ages to type this, between sobs. If it wasn't for the fact that it'd scare the cats I'd do what I really feel like doing. Scream at the top of my voice, and howl like an animal. That might help. Typical British reserve though, musn't upset the neighbours! I only started to feel like this as I typed, mostly it's kept way down under wraps in a secret place in my soul. A place so secret no one knows about it except me. A black place. Lasciate Ogne Speranza Voi Ch'Intrate.*
It's amazing the mood swings I'm suffering just now. Ernie, the older cat, has just come in and insisted loudly on climbing onto my knee where he's fallen asleep purring. This has had two effects. I am now forced to type with one hand, and I feel a whole lot better! The Black Dog has been pushed back through the gates for the time being.
*Dante's Inferno Canto III: The Gate of Hell
Per me si va ne la città dolente,
per me si va ne l'etterno dolore,
per me si va tra la perduta gente.
Giustizia mosse il mio alto fattore:
fecemi la divina podestate,
la somma sapienza e 'l primo amore.
Dinanzi a me non fuor cose create
se non etterne, e io etterno duro.
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate
Through me is the way into the woeful city; through me is the way into eternal woe; through me is the way among the lost people. Justice moved my lofty maker: the divine Power, the supreme Wisdom and the primal Love made me. Before me were no things created, unless eternal, and I eternal last. Abandon all hope, ye who enter!