Futrets

What follows is an excerpt from an old Scotland the What? sketch in which a toy-shop owner from Ballater phones up the late Princess of Wales to ask her what kind of Christmas present she’d like for her then new-born son, William. 

It's included here as a tribute to my mate Gordon.  Fit like Gordy?

From Scotland the What?, by Buff Hardie, Stephen Robertson and George Donald (Gordon Wright, 1987)

Noo, fit wid he like for his Christmas, the loon?

Fit aboot a pair o’ fitba beets? Beets. Beets. B-O-O-T-S, beets.

Weel, I ken that, but he’ll surely grow intae them.

Weel I’ll tell ye fit I’ve got. It’s something very suitable. It’s oor ain special line in soft toys, and it is a cuddly futret.

A futret.

Div ye nae ken fit a futret is?

Futret. F-E-R-R-E-T, futret.

Now, cuddly futrets is exclusive tae the Toy Shop, Ballater. We get them specially made up by a wee wifie, in Hong Kong. Oh, an’ fit a job I hid explainin’ tae her fit a futret is.

Ye wid like a futret? Oh we’ll fairly manage ye a futret.

Noo fit size o’ a futret wid ye like? We’ve got a dinkie futret, a mini futret, a life-size futret, a jumbo futret or a mega-futret.

Ye’d like a jumbo futret?

No, it disnae hae a trunk.

No, it’s got a string that ye pull, an’ it sings Run, Rabbit, Run.

Weel, fit else div ye expect a futret tae sing?

Now is there onythin’ else the loon wid like?

Fit aboot a rubber duke...for his bath?

A duke.

No, no, nae that kinda Duke. D-U-C-K, duke. A quack quack duke. Like Donald Duke. Donald Duke. He’s a freen’ o’ Mickey Moose...Moose...M-O-U-S-E, Moose!

God, div ye nae understan’ English, lassie?