What follows is an excerpt from an old Scotland the What? sketch in which a toy-shop owner from Ballater phones up the late Princess of Wales to ask her what kind of Christmas present she’d like for her then new-born son, William.
It's included here as a tribute to my mate Gordon. Fit like Gordy?
From Scotland the What?, by Buff Hardie, Stephen Robertson and George Donald (Gordon Wright, 1987)
Fit aboot a pair o’ fitba beets? Beets. Beets. B-O-O-T-S, beets.
Weel, I ken that, but he’ll surely grow intae them.
Weel I’ll tell ye fit I’ve got. It’s something very suitable. It’s oor ain special line in soft toys, and it is a cuddly futret.
Div ye nae ken fit a futret is?
Futret. F-E-R-R-E-T, futret.
Now, cuddly futrets is exclusive tae the Toy Shop, Ballater. We get them specially made up by a wee wifie, in Hong Kong. Oh, an’ fit a job I hid explainin’ tae her fit a futret is.
Ye wid like a futret? Oh we’ll fairly manage ye a futret.
Noo fit size o’ a futret wid ye like? We’ve got a dinkie futret, a mini futret, a life-size futret, a jumbo futret or a mega-futret.
Ye’d like a jumbo futret?
No, it disnae hae a trunk.
No, it’s got a string that ye pull, an’ it sings Run, Rabbit, Run.
Weel, fit else div ye expect a futret tae sing?
Now is there onythin’ else the loon wid like?
Fit aboot a rubber duke...for his bath?
No, no, nae that kinda Duke. D-U-C-K, duke. A quack quack duke. Like Donald Duke. Donald Duke. He’s a freen’ o’ Mickey Moose...Moose...M-O-U-S-E, Moose!
God, div ye nae understan’ English, lassie?