Glaswegian Pie

Entirely possibly because it's pretty rude, this is a real favourite of mine, with apologies to both Don McLean & the (unknown to me) author of this parody. Other than a warning that it contains a lot of swearing, suffice to say for the moment for those unfortunate enough not to hail from Glasgow (!) that Milngavie is pronounced Mill-Guy, with the emphasis on the second syllable:


A long long time ago,
I can still remember how
Those weeji bampots made me laugh,
And I know if I had a chance
To see those Neds and Sengas dance,
I'd laugh my fucking arse off once again.
'Cos don't they realise it's not clever,
Drinking Buckfast doon the river,
Tucked in trackie bottoms,
They look just fucking rotten!
I can't remember if cried
When I saw these bams in East Kilbride,
But it amused me deep inside,
The day the mucker thrived!

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Did you write the book of shite
"Can I borrow ten bob, gonnae gee'za light?"
Bugger off yer full o' pish!
Oh and do you belive in hard core techno?
Huv ye gubbed 5 eckos fur a night at the Metro?
An’ can you teach me how to speak reeeaaallll slow?!
You can tell that she's in love wi' him,
'Cos he's fae Ibrox and she's a Tim,
They both kicked off their socks
And those manky old Reeboks.
He was a scrawny youth with a GAP pull over,
A sovvy ring and a stolen Nova,
They fell in love when he muff dove 'er, (sorry!)
The day the muckers thrived....
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Now for ten years you've been on the dole,
Hingin' aboot at the Paisley Toll,
And that's just how it's always been.
When the mucker screamed at the Polis van,
In a coat he'd stolen fae TopMan,
And a fag that came from you or me.
But while the cop was looking dapper,
The wee bam chibbed him on the napper,
Dressed all in Kappa clobber,
As he shouted, "suck ma dobber!".
While wee Tam stole a shirt fae 'Mark's',
And Boab slashed some cunt in the park,
They all buzzed petrol in the dark,
The day the Mucker thrived....
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Helter Skelter, if the wean cries belt 'er
Writing mentions on the old bus shelter,
Eight days straight drinking Faaaaaaaaaast!
Doin' six month for selling smack,
The chip pan diet and the heart attack
A night out at Archaos wi' the burd.
The Sengas reek of cheap perfume,
While name-tags jangle round the room,
Each one grabs her geezer,
A fag and lemon Breezer.
The lack of class is hard to hide,
They cannae wait to get inside,
A stair-heid winch and a door-way ride,
That's how the Muckers thrive
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

You'll see them in their usual places,
With silly hats and ugly faces,
Ootside the offy acting hard.
So Shug be nimble, Shug be quick,
And get an ounce of speed on tick
Then cut it up and sell it to yer pals.
All lined up ootside the "Paki's",
A rainbow of exotic trackies,
Giein' abuse tae grannies,
Ya fucked up bunch of fannies!
And as the day turns in to night,
The neds may gang up to start a fight,
But on their own they're soft as shite!
I've made a Mucker cry!
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

(Slowly with feeling)
I met a girl who sang 'The Sash'
I asked about her pant moustache,
But she just told me to fuck off!
I went down to the local chippy,
Where the Neds hung out and the staff were nippy,
And the muckers there harassed me for some fags.
Baseball hats at stupid angles,
The girls each wore three dozen bangles,
Hair done up with scrunchies,
Munching crisps and Crunchies.
But the three meals they enjoy the most,
Are chinky, chippy, beans on toast,
Come Glasgow fair they hit the coast,
The day the mucker thrived
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"