Weegie Rhapsody

With apologies to Queen and the (unknown to me) author of this rather rude parody. Enjoy!

Glaswegian Rhapsody

Is this the real life?
or is it the methadone?
stuck in the Gorbals, no cred on my mobile phone
open yer wine, an' talk wi' a whine... like meeeeeeeeee!

Ah’m just a weegie
gie us yer Sunny D
cos I'll chib yer pal,
rip yer da,
slash yer dug,
ride yer ma,
anyway the Clyde flows,
disnae really matter tae me,
tae me.

Haw maw, just decked some bam,
Buckie bottle tae the heid,
Noo the fuckin bastard’s deid,
Haw maw, am just oot on parole,
An noo am headin back tae Barlineeee....
Haw maw .... oohoooh ooh
Never meant tae steal yer purse,
But if am no full o' smack this time the morra',
Carry oot, carry oot,
An' we'll go oot on the batter,

Too late the bailiff's here,
Sends shivers doon ma spine,
Gubbed 10 jellies just in time,
Goodbye all my muckers, I've got to go,
Got to go and rip some wank fae up the scheme,

Haw maw... oohoooh ooh
I'm a jakey bam,
Sometimes I think I've never been washed at all,

I see a little silhouetto of a bam.
Adidas! Adidas! Can ye get me some Kappa,
Thunderbird, White Lighting,
Very very frightening, me!
Twenty Mayfair? (Twenty Mayfair!)
Twenty Mayfair? (Twenty Mayfair and some skins!)
Magnifico oh oh oh oh!
I’m just a fat boy, naebody loves me
He’s just a fat boy fae a fat family,
Spare us a pound for a wee cup o' tea?
Get tae fuck, skanky slob, will ye get a job?
For fuck sake.... NO! I will not get a job,
Get a job,
For fuck sake.... I will not get a job,
Get a job.... Willnae get a job,
Get a job.... Willnae get a job,
no, no, no, no, no,
Oh gonorrhoea!
Gonorrhoea, gonorrhoea and the clap,
Then doon the pub, has the barman put aside for me?
For me, for meeeee!?

So you 'hink you can slash me and pish in my eye?
So ye 'hink ye can chib me an' leave me to die?
Haw bawbag, can't dae this tae me bawbag!
Just wait till I'm oot, just wait till I'm right oot ma nut!

Fuck all really matters, anyone can see
Fuck all really matters.....
Fuck all really matters.....
Tae meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... eeeeeeeeeeeee... eeeeee



And in the interests of clarity here are some definitions to assist those unfamiliar with the Glasgow patois:

Methadone = Green coloured liquid Heroin substitute, available on prescription

The Gorbals = an area of Glasgow south of the River Clyde

Wi' = With

Weegie = Glaswegian, or native of Glasgow

Gie = Give

Sunny D = Sunny Delight, a foul orange flavour drink full of sugar

Chib = assult with a weapon, usually a bladed one

Pal = Friend

Rip = Slash or cut with a bladed weapon

Da = Dad, Father

Dug = Dog, Canine

Ride = Have sex with

Clyde = The river which flows through Glasgow

Disnae = Doesn't

Tae = To

Haw maw = Hey mother

Decked = Knocked over, assaulted

Bam = An idiot, usually a derogatory term for another person, also known as Bampot

Buckie = Buckfast Tonic Wine, made by the monks of Buckfast Abbey and used extensively by the underclasses to get very drunk very quickly.  It's foul!  It's worse than foul.

Heid = Head

Noo = Now

Deid = Dead

Oot = Out

Barlineeeeeee = Glasgow's Barlinnie Prison

Smack = Heroin

The Morra' = Tomorrow

Carry oot = Alcohol bought to take away and drink

Oot on the batter = Night out for the main purpose of consuming excessive amounts of alcohol

Bailiff = Effectively a debt collector

Doon ma = Down my

Gubbed 10 jellies = Swallowed 10 tranquiliser pills, normally Benzodiazepines such as Temazepam, a controlled drug which is illegal to possess unless by prescription

Muckers = Friends

Wank = To masturbate, but in this context it's short for Wanker, a person who masturbates.  Not a compliment.

Fae = From

Scheme = Council housing estate

Jakey = An alcoholic, usually to the point of being pretty much a tramp or derelict

Thunderbird = Cheap strong alcohol

White Lightning = Cheap strong alcohol

Mayfair = Brand of cigarettes

Naebody = Nobody

Skanky slob = Excessively unclean person

Willnae = Will not

The clap = Gonorrhoea

The pub = Public House in which alcohol is bought and consumed

Barman = Bar Tender

'hink = Think

Pish = Urinate

An' = And

Bawbag = Ballbag, Scrotum

Dae = Do

Oot ma nut = Out of my mind on alcohol and/or drugs