Pubs of Lay Clerk #1

Over the years I think it's fair to say I've had the odd drink or two in a fair old number of pubs, and this is the initial post in my new Pubs of Lay Clerk series where I'll try to list as many of them as I can remember, together with the occasional "review" or story connected to them.  By nature it's going to be a work in progress for a long time and I'd guess it isn't ever going to be complete, since there's no possible way I'll remember them all, but I'll try to list at least all the ones I regularly drank in or indeed still drink in with various choirs etc.   Feel free to leave comments with any opinions, additions, corrections or extra detail. 

Don't forget that sometimes it's been a LONG time and a lot of water's been passed since I've been in some of these places so what I describe tends to relate to how I remember they were back in the day.  All opinions expressed are my own so please feel free to try even the ones I warn against and see if you agree with me.

Adam & Eve, Bishopgate, Norwich NR3 1RZ

This is one of the oldest pubs in Norwich, is just outside the Cathedral walls and was supposedly used by the workmen during one of the phases of the building of the Cathedral (which would have been some time between 1121 - 1369 I guess).

Although right next to a modern car park (not multi-storey thankfully) and across from the law court, the outside wall is covered in flowers and it looks as though it's in the middle of the countryside.  It sells decent food, real ale, and bowls of very nice olives.

I was there was in 1994 when the Marian Consort sang for a week in the Cathedral, and briefly in 1999 with Glasgow University Chapel Choir on a tour of Norfolk.

All Bar One, St Vincent Street, Glasgow G2 5TS

At the end of the day this is a pretty boring city centre pub, but one of the good things about it is that it has huge floor to ceiling windows and it's right on the pavement of a really busy street so it's a good place to sit, drink, and people-watch.  

It gets pretty busy with straight-after-work people (as opposed to the ones who are gay-while-at-work I suppose!).  A bit expensive, but it's the city centre after all.   I was first in here in November 2005 and the selection of beers was actually pretty good, including some Belgian fruit beers (like Kriek) and various decent lagers (Krusovice etc) all on draught.  Since then I've been in often, and I can heartily recommend their food.  There are nice comfy sofas upstairs, and a good'ish view out the windows down to the street below.

 

For a bonus point of historical interest, across from the side of All Bar One is St Mary's Lane which is so called because it's where St Mary's Episcopal Church used to be before the good Victorians decided it'd be a good idea to move to the growing west end of Glasgow.  St Mary's church of course went on to become the Cathedral of the Diocese.

Weegie Rhapsody

With apologies to Queen and the (unknown to me) author of this rather rude parody. Enjoy!

Glaswegian Rhapsody

Is this the real life?
or is it the methadone?
stuck in the Gorbals, no cred on my mobile phone
open yer wine, an' talk wi' a whine... like meeeeeeeeee!

Ah’m just a weegie
gie us yer Sunny D
cos I'll chib yer pal,
rip yer da,
slash yer dug,
ride yer ma,
anyway the Clyde flows,
disnae really matter tae me,
tae me.

Haw maw, just decked some bam,
Buckie bottle tae the heid,
Noo the fuckin bastard’s deid,
Haw maw, am just oot on parole,
An noo am headin back tae Barlineeee....
Haw maw .... oohoooh ooh
Never meant tae steal yer purse,
But if am no full o' smack this time the morra',
Carry oot, carry oot,
An' we'll go oot on the batter,

Too late the bailiff's here,
Sends shivers doon ma spine,
Gubbed 10 jellies just in time,
Goodbye all my muckers, I've got to go,
Got to go and rip some wank fae up the scheme,

Haw maw... oohoooh ooh
I'm a jakey bam,
Sometimes I think I've never been washed at all,

I see a little silhouetto of a bam.
Adidas! Adidas! Can ye get me some Kappa,
Thunderbird, White Lighting,
Very very frightening, me!
Twenty Mayfair? (Twenty Mayfair!)
Twenty Mayfair? (Twenty Mayfair and some skins!)
Magnifico oh oh oh oh!
I’m just a fat boy, naebody loves me
He’s just a fat boy fae a fat family,
Spare us a pound for a wee cup o' tea?
Get tae fuck, skanky slob, will ye get a job?
For fuck sake.... NO! I will not get a job,
Get a job,
For fuck sake.... I will not get a job,
Get a job.... Willnae get a job,
Get a job.... Willnae get a job,
no, no, no, no, no,
Oh gonorrhoea!
Gonorrhoea, gonorrhoea and the clap,
Then doon the pub, has the barman put aside for me?
For me, for meeeee!?

So you 'hink you can slash me and pish in my eye?
So ye 'hink ye can chib me an' leave me to die?
Haw bawbag, can't dae this tae me bawbag!
Just wait till I'm oot, just wait till I'm right oot ma nut!

Fuck all really matters, anyone can see
Fuck all really matters.....
Fuck all really matters.....
Tae meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... eeeeeeeeeeeee... eeeeee



And in the interests of clarity here are some definitions to assist those unfamiliar with the Glasgow patois:

Methadone = Green coloured liquid Heroin substitute, available on prescription

The Gorbals = an area of Glasgow south of the River Clyde

Wi' = With

Weegie = Glaswegian, or native of Glasgow

Gie = Give

Sunny D = Sunny Delight, a foul orange flavour drink full of sugar

Chib = assult with a weapon, usually a bladed one

Pal = Friend

Rip = Slash or cut with a bladed weapon

Da = Dad, Father

Dug = Dog, Canine

Ride = Have sex with

Clyde = The river which flows through Glasgow

Disnae = Doesn't

Tae = To

Haw maw = Hey mother

Decked = Knocked over, assaulted

Bam = An idiot, usually a derogatory term for another person, also known as Bampot

Buckie = Buckfast Tonic Wine, made by the monks of Buckfast Abbey and used extensively by the underclasses to get very drunk very quickly.  It's foul!  It's worse than foul.

Heid = Head

Noo = Now

Deid = Dead

Oot = Out

Barlineeeeeee = Glasgow's Barlinnie Prison

Smack = Heroin

The Morra' = Tomorrow

Carry oot = Alcohol bought to take away and drink

Oot on the batter = Night out for the main purpose of consuming excessive amounts of alcohol

Bailiff = Effectively a debt collector

Doon ma = Down my

Gubbed 10 jellies = Swallowed 10 tranquiliser pills, normally Benzodiazepines such as Temazepam, a controlled drug which is illegal to possess unless by prescription

Muckers = Friends

Wank = To masturbate, but in this context it's short for Wanker, a person who masturbates.  Not a compliment.

Fae = From

Scheme = Council housing estate

Jakey = An alcoholic, usually to the point of being pretty much a tramp or derelict

Thunderbird = Cheap strong alcohol

White Lightning = Cheap strong alcohol

Mayfair = Brand of cigarettes

Naebody = Nobody

Skanky slob = Excessively unclean person

Willnae = Will not

The clap = Gonorrhoea

The pub = Public House in which alcohol is bought and consumed

Barman = Bar Tender

'hink = Think

Pish = Urinate

An' = And

Bawbag = Ballbag, Scrotum

Dae = Do

Oot ma nut = Out of my mind on alcohol and/or drugs

Seeing everything

It was Doors Open Day in Glasgow at the weekend, and this year I was busy on Saturday (singing at a wedding in Stirling where the bride was almost 45 minutes late!) and decided not to bother with much on the Sunday, but the one thing I went to see was well worth it.  The Britannia Panopticon Music Hall in Trongate is the oldest surviving music hall in Britain and possibly the world, they say, and although in a state of disrepair, to say the least, you can still get a sense of what it must have been like.

The photo above is taken from the stage looking out.  In its day, which ranged from 1857 to 1938, that stage played host to many of the big stars of the time such as Dan Leno, Harry Lauder, Marie Loftus, Charles Coburn, Harry Champion and W. F. Frame and in 1906 saw the stage debut of sixteen year Arthur Stanley Jefferson who was the son of the theatre manager.  So what, you say.  Well young Arthur was later to be more famously known as Stan Laurel. 

So for the Stan Laurel link alone it's an historically significant building, and it's well worth a visit on one of their occasional open days.As well as the site linked to above, they have a Myspace site which I haven't looked at properly yet but may be worth a visit.

In addition to the acts on stage the attic was converted in 1906 to a waxworks, carnival and freak show, and the basement contained a zoo.  So when you add 1500 working class men straight from work into the equation, the term "the roar of the greasepaint and smell of the crowd" doesn't seem quite so silly!

They have a long way to go in the renovation, but I suspect they'll get there, if the enthusiasm of the volunteer guides is anything to go by.

Oh, and the title of this post is from the translation of the Greek word Panopticon:

Pan = everything, Optika = to see

Hymn 1

To the tune: Aurelia

Our church is mighty spiky with smells and bells and chants,
And Palestrina masses that vex the Protestants.
O happy ones and holy who fall upon their knees
for solemn Benediction and mid-week Rosaries.

Though with a scornful wonder men see our clergy, dressed
in rich brocaded vestments as slowly they process;
Yet saints their watch are keeping lest souls be set alight
not by the Holy Ghost, but by incense taking flight.

Now we on earth have union with Lambeth, not with Rome,
although the wags and cynics may question our true home;
But folk masses and bingo can't possibly depose
the works of Byrd and Tallis, or Cranmer's stately prose.

(Here shall the organist modulate)

So let the organ thunder, sound fanfares "en chamade;"
Rejoice! For we are treading where many saints have trod;
Let peals ring from the spire, sing descants to high C,
just don't let your elation disrupt the liturgy.

[author unknown]

Yarr!

Today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day, it be!

So buckle your swashes, put on your tri-corn hat, and get into the spirit of it all, or ye be finding yourselves in Davy Jones' Locker soon enough!

Arrr.

Pub quiz

Picture the scene.

It's the final question in a pub quiz in Glasgow the other night.

There is tension in the air, as several teams are running neck and neck to claim first prize.

So the last question, on which the £100 cash prize rests, is

"The title of the boy band Take That's first album consisted of four words, the first two of which were "Take That", so what were the second two"?

There was a 30 second pause, then a wee Glasgow man pipes up

"Ya Cunt!"

Weegie Pie

Entirely possibly because it's pretty rude, this is one of my favourites, with apologies to both Don McLean & the (unknown to me) author of this parody. Suffice to say for the moment for those unfortunate enough not to hail from Glasgow (!) that Milngavie is pronounced Mill-Guy:

Glaswegian Pie

A long long time ago,
I can still remember how
Those weeji bampots made me laugh,
And I know if I had a chance
To see those Neds and Sengas dance,
I'd laugh my fucking arse off once again.
'Cos don't they realise it's not clever,
Drinking Buckfast doon the river,
Tucked in trackie bottoms,
They look just fucking rotten!
I can't remember if cried
When I saw these bams in East Kilbride,
But it amused me deep inside,
The day the mucker thrived!

And they were singin'........
Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Did you write the book of shite
"Can I borrow ten bob, gonnae gee'za light?"
Bugger off yer full o' pish!
Oh and do you belive in hard core techno?
Huv ye gubbed 5 eckos fur a night at the Metro?
An’ can you teach me how to speak reeeaaallll slow?!
You can tell that she's in love wi' him,
'Cos he's fae Ibrox and she's a Tim,
They both kicked off their socks
And those manky old Reeboks.
He was a scrawny youth with a GAP pull over,
A sovvy ring and a stolen Nova,
They fell in love when he muff dove 'er, (sorry!)
The day the muckers thrived....
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Now for ten years you've been on the dole,
Hingin' aboot at the Paisley Toll,
And that's just how it's always been.
When the mucker screamed at the Polis van,
In a coat he'd stolen fae TopMan,
And a fag that came from you or me.
But while the cop was looking dapper,
The wee bam chibbed him on the napper,
Dressed all in Kappa clobber,
As he shouted, "suck ma dobber!".
While wee Tam stole a shirt fae 'Mark's',
And Boab slashed some cunt in the park,
They all buzzed petrol in the dark,
The day the Mucker thrived....
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Helter Skelter, if the wean cries belt 'er
Writing mentions on the old bus shelter,
Eight days straight drinking Faaaaaaaaaast!
Doin' six month for selling smack,
The chip pan diet and the heart attack
A night out at Archaos wi' the burd.
The Sengas reek of cheap perfume,
While name-tags jangle round the room,
Each one grabs her geezer,
A fag and lemon Breezer.
The lack of class is hard to hide,
They cannae wait to get inside,
A stair-heid winch and a door-way ride,
That's how the Muckers thrive
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

You'll see them in their usual places,
With silly hats and ugly faces,
Ootside the offy acting hard.
So Shug be nimble, Shug be quick,
And get an ounce of speed on tick
Then cut it up and sell it to yer pals.
All lined up ootside the "Paki's",
A rainbow of exotic trackies,
Giein' abuse tae grannies,
Ya fucked up bunch of fannies!
And as the day turns in to night,
The neds may gang up to start a fight,
But on their own they're soft as shite!
I've made a Mucker cry!
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

(Slowly with feeling)
I met a girl who sang 'The Sash'
I asked about her pant moustache,
But she just told me to fuck off!
I went down to the local chippy,
Where the Neds hung out and the staff were nippy,
And the muckers there harassed me for some fags.
Baseball hats at stupid angles,
The girls each wore three dozen bangles,
Hair done up with scrunchies,
Munching crisps and Crunchies.
But the three meals they enjoy the most,
Are chinky, chippy, beans on toast,
Come Glasgow fair they hit the coast,
The day the mucker thrived
And they were singin'........

Bye bye, eatin' Fray Bentos pie,
Drove the Uno roon' the toon oh wi' the techno up high,
Wearing wooly bunnets though it's nearly July
Singin', "There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"
"There's that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie!"

Lest we forget

I watched this live on TV 8 years ago. I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing.

I was on annual leave and was visiting Edinburgh when we heard early reports on the car radio, so we found a pub and watched the events unfold live, together with the other stunned clientele of the pub.

A few days ago here in the UK three men were found guilty of plotting to kill thousands of people by blowing up airliners over the Atlantic using home made liquid bombs disguised as drinks.

A couple of weeks ago here in the UK Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi, the convicted murderer of 270 people blown up in Pan-Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie in 1988, was released from prison and allowed to return to a hero's welcome in Libya on the basis that he has terminal cancer and therefore a short time left to live. I happen to think that this was a big mistake, and he should not have been released, but that's for a different post.

A few days ago a 600lb bomb was defused by an army bomb disposal team in South Armagh, Northern Ireland. It has been reported that it had been left there by a small Republican splinter group rather than the Real IRA or Continuity IRA.

Be in no doubt, we face a present, real and serious threat from terrorism.

Home grown terrorism such as that perpetrated by some Republicans.

Home grown terrorism perpetrated by radical Muslims.

International terrorism perpetrated for political objectives.

But all terrorism, designed to cause fear and, unsurprisingly, terror.

We cannot afford however to give in to such tactics. We absolutely must stand firm against such people who seek to achieve their ends by such evil deeds.

And when they are caught and convicted they must be punished, and in such a way as not only to punish the individuals concerned but to deter others from following the same path.

Their freedom should be taken from them.

They should have no comforts whilst incarcerated.

They should be locked away until they die.

English is tough stuff

Multi-national personnel at NATO headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language ... until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months hard labour to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation - think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough -
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is just give up!